I’m working on myself.
The last 10 years I’ve done myself an injustice. I stopped paying attention to my health. I ate what I wanted. I didn’t work out. But I’m changing.
This last week I started working with a trainer. Because of my new business, I can work with a trainer 3 days a week. I thankful for this opportunity but at the same time, it’s not what I thought it would be.
I knew I would be physically sore. But I didn’t expect the emotional soreness. I’ll explain.
The last time I worked hard and pushed myself to my limit physically, I was playing softball. My dad was alive and his influence was strong in my life. I spent a lot of time with him. He was really supportive of me playing softball and wanted me to be the best. He pushed me to be the best. And I was. But its how he pushed me that affects me today.
Every time I worked out last week, I heard his voice in my head.
“you’re fat.”
“you’re stupid.”
“you wont make anything of yourself.”
And then i’d throw the ball harder. “now try to hurt my hand, ” he’d say. And I would.
He’s been gone for years, yet his words still have an affect. It’s like I’ve been trained that to workout, I need negativity. I’m changing myself. Today I started by saying my words. My voice. My Maker’s voice.
“You are strong. You are capable. You are a daughter of the King and you can do this.”
I’m working on myself. And I’m finding that even when I thought it was gone and I was healed, It comes creeping up. Slowly, but surely, I will get healthy. It’s going to be a long, hard process, but I think that will prayer and a good support of friends and family, I can do it.
But will you do this for me, friends? Will you pray for my heart? Pray for my emotional state. I don’t mind crying, but not while I’m at the gym. I want this so much but I’m scared I’ll quit because it too hard, takes too much out of me and forces me to confront my demons. But I’m giving it everything I have, whatever that may be.
love. -D
Adventures in the Little Blue House 